Feet, don't fail me now

"If we were meant to stay in one place, we would have roots, not feet."

"Your feet will take you where your heart is." - Irish proverb

This morning I woke up in Kansas City, to the first snow in Kansas City. And I ate pancakes and drank coffee and listened to beautiful stories told by one of my favorite people. And I cannot tell you how content this has made me today.
I'm glad to be here. It seems whenever I want to be adventorous and somewhat spontaneous, a million things get in my way.yesterday morning I got in my car to drive and it wouldn't start and I almost gave up. But I made it here, even with all of my obstacles.
But because of obstacles, I feel discouraged from leaving my little town and my little job. This thing called fear stops me. This thing called anxiety stops me. I feel destined to stay in the same place my whole life.
But I know this can't be true! I'm twenty years old and have my entire life open and in front of me. I can literally do almost anything. Sometimes I fell overwhelmed with possibilities. But most of the time I feel overwhelmed with feelings of security and wanting to stay stationary, because nothing seems to go right.
Today Sarah Nicole told me her love for hands and why she loved them. We talked about just wanting to go, but how life gets in the way. And strangely enough, it made me think of feet.
Anyone who follows my Instagram knows how many pictures I take of my feet. It makes me think of all the places our feet can take us. We can choose to walk the same steps everyday. Or explore new walks of life. My logical side is telling me to stay, but I hear the voice of God telling my feet to go. To explore new paths for my feet to walk. To love different kinds of people. To use my life to its fullest potential. I will never regret adventures, even small one of getting lost looking for CHRISTMAS lights.
This world is big and there's a big need for love. God asks us to be open to go where He may lead us. He asks us to be pleasers of God rather than pleasers of men. To serve God and not money. But we as silly humans feel the need to make plans. I don't know where I'll be in five years and this is exciting I me! My life has so much potential. I want to be able to follow the call of God no matter where He leads my feet.

"Show me the way I should walk." Psalm143:8

Coffee fueled rants about love

"Love is the outpouring of one personality in fellowship with another personality."


I've been thinking about love lately. What a complicated, yet simple feeling, verb, and word. It's complex. But also incredibly common. Everyone feels it in some sense. It's so easy to show love to someone we care about. Yet we all show and receive love differently. Love is hard and scary. But we all desire it. It's what we all strive for above all else in life. Love is being vulnerable and opening up. There's a common thought nowadays that we have to love ourselves before we can love anyone else. But that's incredibly untrue. True love is unselfish. When we try to "love" ourself, we focus on ourselves, and in a sense hate ourselves. But our unhappiness comes a lot from focusing on ourselves and where we fall short. But we need to realize who loves us despite our shortcomings. Once we realize that God sees perfection in us through Christ we don't need to focus on ourselves. Loving and focusing on others brings more joy and fulfillment than "loving ourselves" ever does.
If we were in the middle of suffering and poverty, who would we be thinking about. Not ourselves, but the ones in need. This idea of loving ourselves before loving anyone else is silly considering that Christ tells us to love our enemies.
You know how hard it is to love someone who has done wrong to you? Who is consistently horrible to you?
It's impossible.
I had a humbling week last week. I had a wake up call. I had to apologize to someone who hates me and constantly disrespects me. I still struggle with loving them. But I need to remind myself that I am loved even though I constantly disrespect God. He had made more sacrifice for me, than I can ever do for Him or anyone else. It is easy to love someone who loves us back. What sets us apart is loving someone who hates us and spits in our eye. That is the true test of a saint.

I still struggle with love. With vulnerability, with humble, unapologetic love. With holding my tongue and loving my enemies, with sacrificial and unselfish love.

I work in an environment where the managers show no one appreciation and love. We have so many high school kids who are very impressionable. And one of my main focuses is making them feel appreciated and respected. I want this generation to be filled with love for others. There is depressed and suicidal kids because our generation lacks love. I want there to be a movement of unselfish love. For all these kids who struggle to feel appreciated to strive for something bigger than themselves instead of giving into the weight of doubt and hate and frustration. And giving love back in return.
And this is my prayer for this generation. Learning to love unselfishly in a selfish, confused, world.

Thirteen

Do you have that one place, whether you've been there once or a hundred times, that brings you back to a place you once were. 

For me, that place is Covenant Pines Bible camp. My family has been going up for family camp ever since I was thirteen years old. Every time we've come I've been in a totally different place in my life. And I don't think I've been more appreciative of reflection and change than I have been this year. 

I can't help but think of that thirteen year old girl. I was more depressed than any thirteen year old girl should be. I was insecure and unsure. I couldn't do things by myself, I needed to have someone by my side at all times. And if I didn't, I felt left out. I never spoke. I had zero self- confidence. And I was angry. 

One thing I remember more than anything else. How I felt like a hippopotamus and incredibally guilty every time we ate a meal. Only because it was the first time in over 6 months I had actually been eating regular meals. Instead of a piece of fruit here and a small scoop of casserole there. That month I was skinnier than I'd ever been. I was the same height as I am now, but weighed significantly less. I remember how I would go out running on the trails to absolute exhaustion,before everyone woke up, to keep my unhealthy weight. At the bonfire, I jokingly asked someone to make me a snores and to my horror, they started to. When I told him I was joking he got angry and threw it in the ground. But I didn't want to risk eating another s'mores. 

I look back and I'm terrified at the pictures of that first year at camp. I was Wasting away, not only in body. But in spirit and soul as well. As any person that has ever had an eating disorder will tell you, you may be healed physically, but it takes so much longer to "fix" yourself mentally. Years, in fact. 

The next summer I wasn't any happier. And I was dealing with a different sort of eating disorder. And for years, no matter what I was doing, it was all I could think of. 

I'm back at Covenant Pines this weekend, and today I went paddle boarding across the lake, by myself. I enjoyed the peace and the alone time. Every time I eat a meal here, or do something I love alone, it reminds me how much I've healed. 

I'm 20 plus pounds heavier than that 13 year old girl and proud of it. I am so happy with my life. I am secure and confident in myself. I am a more positive and happy person. 

I can do things by myself and I enjoy it. Being alone doesn't mean you're lonely. I still have my bad days, everyone does. But I am so much further on that road to healing than I was even last year. I focus on what's important and what I love and what's beautiful and what's right and what's healthy. 

I don't think I can explain to you how thankful I am for this incredible sense of peace within myself. God found me, even in this run down camp that I love. And I could not be more joyful. I believe I've seen a miracle within myself. 

Moments and people

I hold onto moments closely. Onto people even closer. Growing up I spent a lot of time alone. Probably too much time alone. I believe it's true that who you are alone is who you truly are. But someone once pointed out to me that people who spend too much time alone are depressed. When I was younger, I believe I spent too much time alone. It gets to a point where your vision of reality is skewed. And everything you hate about yourself eats you up. You can't find self worth from other people. But we weren't meant to be alone.
Spending so much time alone made me appreciate the time I spend with the ones I love even more than I probably would have. The older I get the more introverted I get, but I still need the ones I hold closer than others.
It was hard for me to let my skewed mentality go. My reality check didn't come quite soon enough. I had friends back stab me and I was hurt over and over. I was too trusting. I held the wrong people too close. It's hard to remember the good times, when its followed by a lot of hurt. When I finally discover who my real friends and family are, that is when they seem to leave.
I've built a wall, I'm scared to break down. And only a special few have witnessed these walls crumble. I don't like getting attached. I don't like heartbreak.
I don't like that people move away and move on. That we all grow up and build our own lives. I know my 20's will be some of my most fulfilling years but also some of the hardest. Growing up to me, means letting go. And I've never been fond of change. I've learned to hold onto this world loosely, because my home is not here. But I've not yet learned how to love and let go. When I care about someone I want to hold them to me. But I also want them to live out their lives to their fullest potential. Love is hard. And confusing. And I haven't figured it out.
Sometimes I just want to freeze time. So these moments and people can't escape. But I know life has to go on and we all have to let go of something or someone. And somehow learn to live a joyful life, even with a little pain. New companionship and new moments will come, but I'll always have my favorites that nothing can replace.

Tuesday

Something I've learned is, your dream job is never a good dream. It turns out to be fourteen hours a week, making hardly any money and working under an incompetent manager.
That just because you admire someone, doesn't mean they admire you back, they pretend to be your friend, but then ignore you when it counts.
That just because you love him, doesn't mean it can work out. Things don't always work out. That when you finally put yourself out there, people don't always accept it. You just come off as overbearing and weird.
That sometimes Tuesday's turn out like Mondays should. And they just suck.
That being an adult is not fun. Or enjoyable, it is just stressful,
That for some people, dreams are just dreams. And nothing extraordinary ever happens to them.
That even though you go out of your way to make someone happy, doesn't meant they'll do the same for you.
That even though all you want is forgiveness, all you get is reminders of what you've done and bitter remarks that make you feel like dirt.
That its really hard not to let your own problems consume you. An overwhelming weight on my chest, that nothing can help.
That everyone is really looking out for number one, that their problems are more important that helping you.

Today is one of those overwhelming days. Where I forget Gods blessings and all He has done in my life. And I wallow in self-pity. When Satans attacks are too much and I give into my own selfishness, because I feel like my problems are too much to bear.
I know my problems are teeny tiny, and there is more important things to worry about. But I'm only human, and I can't do this on my own.

"God is within her, she will not fail"

Goals

My goal is to enter the gates of Heaven and hear the words " well done, good and faithful servant" to know that I lived a faithful life, and everything will have been worth it.
My goal is to love and be loved. To heal and mend the broken.
To appreciate the beauty of people, sunsets, coffee and anything else God puts in my path. To realize the power and authority of a faithful God.
I wish to live a life of genuine faith. So people would see Him, instead of me. To live in true humility.
These are my goals. And if I accomplished nothing but these goals, I could not be more joyful.
Sometimes I forget my priorities. And my focus gets foggy. But ultimately, my goals are these and love.
Take me where love is needed, even if it's next door.


"Man is like a breath; his days are like a passing shadow" Psalm 144:4

Unity

                                                      

"Behold how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!"

                                                   Psalm 133:1 

How often are we willing to talk to people we don't know. Even to people that don't go to our church? Modern Christianity hears the word church and automatically think of the building we meet in on Sunday mornings. But the word church to God means His people.. We are the body of Christ. 

And the body cannot work without all of its members. We're so hesitant to go outside of ourselves and I know this as well as anyone. We keep to ourselves, often far from people, keeping to our own beliefs. Keeping the gift we have to ourselves. 

Ultimately we need to be interdependent. Working together. 

We're all members of the body of Christ. Does the arm have the same function as an eye? No. One of the biggest mistakes we make is assuming we all have the same duties. But if we're all doing the same things, how can the body function properly? 

" from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by what every joint supplies according to the effective working by which every part does its share, causes growth of the body for the edification of itself in love." 

                                              Ephesians 4:16 

Gods will requires all of its members working in required form. Some of us are meant for greatness. And sometimes all this world needs is goodness. Goodness in a grocery store, in a coffee shop, in a friendship. 

Some of His people are meant for great struggles overseas, to see the broken and to help them without a second thought. 

Some are meant to live for greatness where they are put. Living for God in the most ordinary ways. We need Christians everywhere doing the work of God, ultimately working together whatever their duty is. 

This is by no means a way to make excuses for ourselves. Passion isn't just in missions. Sometimes your mission is right where you're put. And sometimes it's completely not. But whatever part you play in the body of Christ needs to be filled with passion. A radical love for the God we do all of this for. Complete devotion and willingness to flourish where God puts you.  Openness to being placed where you never thought possible. Doing things you never wanted to do. God will use your skills and tendencies, but He will also put you completely out of your comfort zone and use you through your weakness. 

We make the mistake of assuming we can predict the next move of God. He may never change, but we can never be sure of how He will use us throughout our entire life. 

He will use every member of His church. All working together for perfect will of God. Unity is important. Living for encouragement of our brothers and sisters. We are responsible for the souls of ourselves. We can no longer live for ourselves alone. 

" let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification that it may impart grace to the hearers." 

                                                                        Ephesians 4:29 

1AM

"Somebody asked me if I knew you. A million memories flashed through my mind, but I just smiled and said I used to" 

I often wonder if it would've been easier if I had never known you. Never known what my life was like with you... And then when you left it completely.

I used to tell you everything... Our late night talks would result in laughter and sometimes tears. 

Now, you're nothing like the person I knew.

A million moments... A million memories. As if they didn't exist.

One time we talked together, joked together, danced together, you were my partner and I depended on you... Your floppy hat and your floppy hair, and your smile to get me through the dance.

Now I wouldn't recognize you if I passed you on the street. With that floppy hair now fire truck red... And nothing but a college party boy. 

One time we were inseparable, I always thought you'd be by my side... I lived at your house for weeks on end. We were almost like sisters... 

Until I realized your crushes were more important than your best friend... Until I was no longer your best friend. 

Truth is... You once meant the world to me... Now you're nothing but an awkward acquaintance. 

I think the reason we hold on to things so tightly is because we don't think something so good will happen twice...

But you were in my life to teach me valuable lessons, and taken out of my life to teach me a much more important lesson. 

I don't need you in my life anymore. But I'm thankful for the time we had. 

But I'm also thankful for my best friend... Who never fails to inspire me to be better than I am. Who awes me with her love and devotion to God.

I'm thankful for my best friend who will call me when he knows I'm upset no matter the time. Who knows me better than I know myself.

For my far away friends. Who never fail to give me encouragement and love. Who's love for coffee is synonymous with mine. 

People aren't always forever and I've come to realize that. And I need to let you go.

God used you in my life my life and I hope He used me in yours. You're only just a prayer away... But I know now we weren't meant for forever. I just hope you have found some forevers, just as I have. 

Together

We were together I forget the rest...

Walt Whitman 

But it's not true. I remember everything. The way you crinkle your nose when you tease me. The way you laugh at my stupid jokes. 

The way we can talk to each other without saying one word. 

The way you sing when you're concentrating. 

The way you love, the way you live. 

The way you're never afraid to say what's on your mind. The way your eyes light up when you talk about Jesus. 

Your passion, your grace. Your humility. 

The way you think everyone needs to understand your college level math.

The way you think everyone needs to go to mexico. 

The way you love your family.

The way you love to longboard

Your passion for helping people

I could go on. I am surrounded by beautiful people. And I sometimes forget how important togetherness is. 

I need you to make me smile and laugh and share my heart. 

I want to hear your coffee fueled rants. And your passion-filled prayers. 

I forget how much I need you until I see you again. 

I crave aloneness... But I often forget how important companionship is. We need each other. 

Support and encouragement and love. We're not meant to be alone. And I think we forget this too much. That we don't need anyone and no one needs us. 

But I need you. I want you. 

I need you to tell me I'm being stupid. I need you to tell me I'm doing the right thing. I need to tell you you're beautiful and worth it. I need your hugs. I need you to take late night Walmart runs to get sugar.  To watch spongebob with cause only you understand why I love it. 

It doesn't matter what we're doing, as long as we're doing it together. We could be doing nothing and I could be the happiest girl in the world. 

We were together and I remember it all. Because I treasure our togetherness. 

Note To Self

Dear Me,

I see how you're doing and it's not well. You're in the same place you were last year. Doing the same things, making the same mistakes.
Are you expecting things to turn out differently? For your life to be anything other than what it has always been? Without really..changing anything?
You change your job too much. Just to make it feel like you're doing something. But you always End up the same way. Physically tired. Mentally tired. No energy to do much else. You have those days where you can barely lift your arm to put on makeup to cover up the sadness, the dark circles. You're so focused on what you aren't doing that there's little happiness in your life.
You sit and question where Gods voice is sending you this year. You don't want it to be the same thing. But you're too scared to try and do anything you're not used to. You're a coward.
You stress too much about relationships. About money. About life.
But you don't do anything about it. Everyday you just kick that dead horse, waiting for it to come alive again.
You're afraid to make drastic choices. You don't want to seem selfish. You don't want to face consequences. You need a change but you're all talk. All self.

In fact... All you do is talk to yourself... Just as you are now. You already know you don't have the answers.
You see, it doesn't matter what you're doing. What counts is where your devotion is at. Right now you're obsessed with yourself. YOU need fulfillment, YOU need change. Selfishness. You hear everyone else opinions, but ignore the voice of God.

Child, I AM with you. 

"We get so preoccupied sulky with God while all the time He is saying, 'look up and be saved' "

Look up. LOOK UP.

 And you will be answered, you will be shown. Ask the questions... But don't ask yourself what you must do. Ask God where He wants you in His will.

" the difficulties and trials- the casting about in our minds as to what we shall do this summer, or tomorrow, all vanish when we look to God"

It doesn't matter where we are. Life isn't about self. It's about serving Him. He gives us questions to ask, so we look to him and seek His desires.

"For our boasting is this: the testimony of our conscience that we conducted ourselves in the world in simplicity and godly sincerity, not its fleshly wisdom but the grace of God, and more abundantly toward you."
                      2 Corinthians 1:12

We all have this false idea that the call of God is for the special few. The call of God is for everyone. And He will send you where He wants when He wants.
We spend so much time feeling sorry for ourselves when the whole time God is saying ' look up to Me' and 'just go'
We're stuck because we choose comfort.
Choose to be bold. Choose the work of God. Choose to live for His desires rather than self and our own holiness.
Stop talking to yourself and go.

"I have inclined my heart to perform your statues forever to the very end"
                                 Psalm 119: 112

Down

" God is making us spell out our own purpose, it is slow work, so slow that it takes God all time and eternity to make a man and a woman after His own purpose."

How little we know of ourselves. We are wrong to say that we know more of ourselves than anyone else. That no one understands us truly, but ourselves. When in truth, God knocks us down and teaches us who we are. He takes this prideful attitude to teach us the very thing we need to know.
I stand on my little pedestal preaching about humility.. How crucial it is and how vacant it is in the church today...
When I am the least humble of all....and He is quick to remind me of that.

You gossiped about this one...now admit you were wrong and apologize. Let go of grudges and forgive. Why do you think you are better than he? 

Down

You feel enlightened and experienced and then a girl years younger puts you in your place with her example of true humility and devotion.

Down

Down and down again He brings me, teaching me about myself. Emptying myself of this person and filling it with more of Him.

You are so quick to accept praise and so reluctant to be wrong. You never admit to being wrong. Love over resent. Compassion over pride. 

Where is your humility? Where is your compassion? The greatest commandment is love, but it is void in your life. 
Oh, where is your devotion? 
Are you more devoted to your self esteem that the One who gave you life? 
You're selfish, unloving, whiny...

 Down

Knock me down until I am nothing. Fill me up until You see nothing but Christ.

" I thought about my ways and turned my feet to Your testimonies."
                                                          Psalm 119:59

More of the woman I will be

"At the end of the year we turn with eagerness to all that God has for the future, and yet
Anxiety is apt to arise from remembering yesterday's"


At the beginning of this new year, I am less of the girl I was and I am more of the woman I will become. 2014 broke me. 2014 made me. 2014 loved me. 2014 hated me. 2014 changed me. All the pieces of the woman I will be.

I started my new year baking in the cricket meadow kitchen, preparing for our reopening. And I thought about, how last year I would've never guessed that this is where I would be at the start of 2015. It wasn't bad...it was just different.
And I thought, what would I have told myself this time last year about 2014....
I would've told myself that the people I hold most important in my life will move on, and so will I. I would tell myself that the people I call my best friends, would stay my best friends, that I would grow in new friendships. That I would work most of the year. That I would miss important moments. That I would realize what being an adult was. That people would go to college. And I'd see some again, but others never again. That I'd work two jobs until I was too exhausted to do anything else and I finally left the deli. That I would get the job I wanted for years.
I'd tell myself a lot more, really. About what 2014 would hold.
But what I needed to know most, was to
Focus on joys, not problems.
To turn my hopes into goals
To love and live humbly
To live for encouragement
To find joy in the simple things like coffee and cats and lipgloss and candles
To bury myself in His word
To let positivity to rule my life
To forgive and let go

That's why my 2015 will be filled with joy.


" our yesterdays present irreparable things to us; it is true that we have lost opportunities which will never return, but God can transform this destructive anxiety into a constructive thoughtfulness for the future."
                Oswald chambers