1AM

"Somebody asked me if I knew you. A million memories flashed through my mind, but I just smiled and said I used to" 

I often wonder if it would've been easier if I had never known you. Never known what my life was like with you... And then when you left it completely.

I used to tell you everything... Our late night talks would result in laughter and sometimes tears. 

Now, you're nothing like the person I knew.

A million moments... A million memories. As if they didn't exist.

One time we talked together, joked together, danced together, you were my partner and I depended on you... Your floppy hat and your floppy hair, and your smile to get me through the dance.

Now I wouldn't recognize you if I passed you on the street. With that floppy hair now fire truck red... And nothing but a college party boy. 

One time we were inseparable, I always thought you'd be by my side... I lived at your house for weeks on end. We were almost like sisters... 

Until I realized your crushes were more important than your best friend... Until I was no longer your best friend. 

Truth is... You once meant the world to me... Now you're nothing but an awkward acquaintance. 

I think the reason we hold on to things so tightly is because we don't think something so good will happen twice...

But you were in my life to teach me valuable lessons, and taken out of my life to teach me a much more important lesson. 

I don't need you in my life anymore. But I'm thankful for the time we had. 

But I'm also thankful for my best friend... Who never fails to inspire me to be better than I am. Who awes me with her love and devotion to God.

I'm thankful for my best friend who will call me when he knows I'm upset no matter the time. Who knows me better than I know myself.

For my far away friends. Who never fail to give me encouragement and love. Who's love for coffee is synonymous with mine. 

People aren't always forever and I've come to realize that. And I need to let you go.

God used you in my life my life and I hope He used me in yours. You're only just a prayer away... But I know now we weren't meant for forever. I just hope you have found some forevers, just as I have. 

Together

We were together I forget the rest...

Walt Whitman 

But it's not true. I remember everything. The way you crinkle your nose when you tease me. The way you laugh at my stupid jokes. 

The way we can talk to each other without saying one word. 

The way you sing when you're concentrating. 

The way you love, the way you live. 

The way you're never afraid to say what's on your mind. The way your eyes light up when you talk about Jesus. 

Your passion, your grace. Your humility. 

The way you think everyone needs to understand your college level math.

The way you think everyone needs to go to mexico. 

The way you love your family.

The way you love to longboard

Your passion for helping people

I could go on. I am surrounded by beautiful people. And I sometimes forget how important togetherness is. 

I need you to make me smile and laugh and share my heart. 

I want to hear your coffee fueled rants. And your passion-filled prayers. 

I forget how much I need you until I see you again. 

I crave aloneness... But I often forget how important companionship is. We need each other. 

Support and encouragement and love. We're not meant to be alone. And I think we forget this too much. That we don't need anyone and no one needs us. 

But I need you. I want you. 

I need you to tell me I'm being stupid. I need you to tell me I'm doing the right thing. I need to tell you you're beautiful and worth it. I need your hugs. I need you to take late night Walmart runs to get sugar.  To watch spongebob with cause only you understand why I love it. 

It doesn't matter what we're doing, as long as we're doing it together. We could be doing nothing and I could be the happiest girl in the world. 

We were together and I remember it all. Because I treasure our togetherness. 

Note To Self

Dear Me,

I see how you're doing and it's not well. You're in the same place you were last year. Doing the same things, making the same mistakes.
Are you expecting things to turn out differently? For your life to be anything other than what it has always been? Without really..changing anything?
You change your job too much. Just to make it feel like you're doing something. But you always End up the same way. Physically tired. Mentally tired. No energy to do much else. You have those days where you can barely lift your arm to put on makeup to cover up the sadness, the dark circles. You're so focused on what you aren't doing that there's little happiness in your life.
You sit and question where Gods voice is sending you this year. You don't want it to be the same thing. But you're too scared to try and do anything you're not used to. You're a coward.
You stress too much about relationships. About money. About life.
But you don't do anything about it. Everyday you just kick that dead horse, waiting for it to come alive again.
You're afraid to make drastic choices. You don't want to seem selfish. You don't want to face consequences. You need a change but you're all talk. All self.

In fact... All you do is talk to yourself... Just as you are now. You already know you don't have the answers.
You see, it doesn't matter what you're doing. What counts is where your devotion is at. Right now you're obsessed with yourself. YOU need fulfillment, YOU need change. Selfishness. You hear everyone else opinions, but ignore the voice of God.

Child, I AM with you. 

"We get so preoccupied sulky with God while all the time He is saying, 'look up and be saved' "

Look up. LOOK UP.

 And you will be answered, you will be shown. Ask the questions... But don't ask yourself what you must do. Ask God where He wants you in His will.

" the difficulties and trials- the casting about in our minds as to what we shall do this summer, or tomorrow, all vanish when we look to God"

It doesn't matter where we are. Life isn't about self. It's about serving Him. He gives us questions to ask, so we look to him and seek His desires.

"For our boasting is this: the testimony of our conscience that we conducted ourselves in the world in simplicity and godly sincerity, not its fleshly wisdom but the grace of God, and more abundantly toward you."
                      2 Corinthians 1:12

We all have this false idea that the call of God is for the special few. The call of God is for everyone. And He will send you where He wants when He wants.
We spend so much time feeling sorry for ourselves when the whole time God is saying ' look up to Me' and 'just go'
We're stuck because we choose comfort.
Choose to be bold. Choose the work of God. Choose to live for His desires rather than self and our own holiness.
Stop talking to yourself and go.

"I have inclined my heart to perform your statues forever to the very end"
                                 Psalm 119: 112