I hold onto moments closely. Onto people even closer. Growing up I spent a lot of time alone. Probably too much time alone. I believe it's true that who you are alone is who you truly are. But someone once pointed out to me that people who spend too much time alone are depressed. When I was younger, I believe I spent too much time alone. It gets to a point where your vision of reality is skewed. And everything you hate about yourself eats you up. You can't find self worth from other people. But we weren't meant to be alone.
Spending so much time alone made me appreciate the time I spend with the ones I love even more than I probably would have. The older I get the more introverted I get, but I still need the ones I hold closer than others.
It was hard for me to let my skewed mentality go. My reality check didn't come quite soon enough. I had friends back stab me and I was hurt over and over. I was too trusting. I held the wrong people too close. It's hard to remember the good times, when its followed by a lot of hurt. When I finally discover who my real friends and family are, that is when they seem to leave.
I've built a wall, I'm scared to break down. And only a special few have witnessed these walls crumble. I don't like getting attached. I don't like heartbreak.
I don't like that people move away and move on. That we all grow up and build our own lives. I know my 20's will be some of my most fulfilling years but also some of the hardest. Growing up to me, means letting go. And I've never been fond of change. I've learned to hold onto this world loosely, because my home is not here. But I've not yet learned how to love and let go. When I care about someone I want to hold them to me. But I also want them to live out their lives to their fullest potential. Love is hard. And confusing. And I haven't figured it out.
Sometimes I just want to freeze time. So these moments and people can't escape. But I know life has to go on and we all have to let go of something or someone. And somehow learn to live a joyful life, even with a little pain. New companionship and new moments will come, but I'll always have my favorites that nothing can replace.
