For me, that place is Covenant Pines Bible camp. My family has been going up for family camp ever since I was thirteen years old. Every time we've come I've been in a totally different place in my life. And I don't think I've been more appreciative of reflection and change than I have been this year.
I can't help but think of that thirteen year old girl. I was more depressed than any thirteen year old girl should be. I was insecure and unsure. I couldn't do things by myself, I needed to have someone by my side at all times. And if I didn't, I felt left out. I never spoke. I had zero self- confidence. And I was angry.
One thing I remember more than anything else. How I felt like a hippopotamus and incredibally guilty every time we ate a meal. Only because it was the first time in over 6 months I had actually been eating regular meals. Instead of a piece of fruit here and a small scoop of casserole there. That month I was skinnier than I'd ever been. I was the same height as I am now, but weighed significantly less. I remember how I would go out running on the trails to absolute exhaustion,before everyone woke up, to keep my unhealthy weight. At the bonfire, I jokingly asked someone to make me a snores and to my horror, they started to. When I told him I was joking he got angry and threw it in the ground. But I didn't want to risk eating another s'mores.
I look back and I'm terrified at the pictures of that first year at camp. I was Wasting away, not only in body. But in spirit and soul as well. As any person that has ever had an eating disorder will tell you, you may be healed physically, but it takes so much longer to "fix" yourself mentally. Years, in fact.
The next summer I wasn't any happier. And I was dealing with a different sort of eating disorder. And for years, no matter what I was doing, it was all I could think of.
I'm back at Covenant Pines this weekend, and today I went paddle boarding across the lake, by myself. I enjoyed the peace and the alone time. Every time I eat a meal here, or do something I love alone, it reminds me how much I've healed.
I'm 20 plus pounds heavier than that 13 year old girl and proud of it. I am so happy with my life. I am secure and confident in myself. I am a more positive and happy person.
I can do things by myself and I enjoy it. Being alone doesn't mean you're lonely. I still have my bad days, everyone does. But I am so much further on that road to healing than I was even last year. I focus on what's important and what I love and what's beautiful and what's right and what's healthy.
I don't think I can explain to you how thankful I am for this incredible sense of peace within myself. God found me, even in this run down camp that I love. And I could not be more joyful. I believe I've seen a miracle within myself.
