"Many of us have a mental conception of what a Christian should be, and the lives of the saints become a hindrance to our concentration on God."
Lately Ive realized, you cant really plan for anything. I mean you can certainly try, and sometimes it works out for some people. But for the most part, we cant even pretend to know what were doing as we wander through this life, because nothing ever works out how we expect it to.
I think sometimes we think theres a formula. I mean, people have created a formula! Theres the "American Dream". Find love, gain knowledge, get a fulfilling career, get married, and have kids. Theres even the "Christian dream" And I think thats what stumps me most of all. We expect everyones stories to be the same. Keep yourself "pure" before marriage. And once youre married the woman stays at home and the man has an already made career or job. And then have a house full of kids. I believe this "formula" is honorable, and I have seen this exact thing work out. But I have also seen a lot of not so fun, crappy stuff happen in the middle or the beginning and maybe something happens way later in life.
We expect everything to work out exactly as we plan. That every thing is easy and can be planned out. And if things look like theyre getting hard, we should abort the mission.
A person will change their career path an average of 8 times in their lifetime. so you can go to school for four years, expecting to stick with that career your whole life, but it might not work out that way.
Im not saying to live in fear of the unknown. Im saying the exact opposite. Live in the joy of the unknown. Instead of planning every detail of your life out, trust God with your future. This is something that has been heavy on my heart lately. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Sometimes Im terrified that I'll waste my life. But I also realize that as long as Im chasing God, He will use me. Money is one of the biggest stresses in my life. And im learning to trust him with it. As my future gets closer and more daunting, I feel at peace. Life is crazy, and nothing has worked out like I thought it would. I dont know where Ill be in ten years. But I know He will bring me where He wants me. I know sometimes what I am doing will look impractical to most everyone, even my family, but thats why trust is so important.
I just think about David, and how he started dancing in front of people, when he wanted to worship God and praising Him for everything he was doing. It looked inappropriate to those who were watching. But it was pleasing to God.
"The Spirit may lead me into total sacrifice financially or He may lead me towards humiliation in the opinions of the people around me."
Maybe I wont be in a place of "security" for ten years. But we only have this one life. So I dont see why we dont shoot for the moon. We dont take risks, not even for the One we live for. We stay in our own little comfort zone. I have such respect for those who are willing to drop their whole life and become missionaries. For those who will sell everything they own, and live like hobos, as an act of trust. Some are doing it for the adrenaline and the adventure. And some are doing this because they want their whole life to be God's. And not everyone is meant to do these grand adventures. But maybe my act of trust is trusting God to do whatever He will with my future. Even if it means being broke and struggling for several years.
Isaiah came to Hezekiah and he said troubles were coming. That he would lose his money and many of his treasures and possesions and loved ones. But Hezekiah simply replied, "The word of the Lord which you have spoken is good! At least there will be peace and truth in my days."
Sure I might be "changing the rules." But life doesnt have a formula, no life looks the same as another. We all have different struggles and different journies. We are all different parts of a living body. The arm does not have the same function as an eye. So why should my life look exactly like yours. Our one job is to chase God and give our life to Him, and He will take care of the rest. I think we need to shoot for the moon, to be everything we can be for Him. Maybe He will humble us, and take everything from us. But no matter what, we need to run to Him. And that must be our greatest desire. Its true we want certain things for our friends and family. But our lives wont always make sense to our loved ones.
"We calculate and estimate and say that this and that will happen, and we forget to make room for God to come in as He chooses... Do not look for God to come in any particular way, but look for Him."
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Words
"For us there is only one wish. To be adventorous pioneers and find ourselves at the end."
I admire people that can put their thoughts into beautiful words that provoke thoughts in other human beings. I envy it. Thats exactly what I want to do. But have never been able to do.
This isnt me being insecure or humble or falsely modest. I honestly feel like theres a storm in my head and it cant get out and express its self. Its why I seem shy and I why I simply listen to conversations, instead of joining in. Its not that I dont have anything to say. I just do not know how to say what I want to say. To put into words what I am feeling and what I believe.
This is why im afraid of evangelism. Why im scared of writing. Once youve been told what youve said doesnt make sense, or is silly, or stupid, its hard to be confident in your words.
This is why I envy writers, and artists, and poets, and songwriters. They can put their thoughts into words that make sense.
I saw the movie Paper Towns last night. And it was nothing extrvagant, and nothing special. And Ill admit there wasnt really a point. But I actually think there was a point. It was just hard to see. Like many movies that are underrated, they dont scream to you what theyre all about. They dont ask for attention. They simply ask you to dwell on things we're afraid to think about.
As someone who spends most of her time in her own thoughts, I appreciate someone being able to put these thoughts into an image, a moving picture, or a song.
I would never call myself a dramatic, or an emo. But in those types of people i have found people who are able to speak the words I feel. The words I think most people feel, but are afraid to admit to.
Theres a line in a twenty one pilots song, "I kind of like it when I make you cry, cause Im twisted up."
When I heard this line, I was like, "Wow! someone put this into words!" And when I tried to talk to someone about this. They didnt understand. When I tried to explain this to them, they thought I was crazy.
To me it means, when we make someone cry, It makes me feel like they actually care. I know this is a completely selfish feeling, and its not exactly a feeling we should feel often. But Ive felt it.
I feel like im crazy sometimes. Like, Am I the only one that feels these kinds of things?
One day, I realized, everyone has feelings we dont talk about. And very few people put them into words.
A friend of mine helped me realize, that sometimes we can feel the same things, but words dont need to be said between us. Its kind of like a silent prayer. An important thing to realize is that we dont always need words.
But thats hard for me. Even though Im not usually the one to talk, or say anything. I want people to say things, to talk about how they're feeling.
The only way i used to know how to make friends, was sharing my whole heart. And I quickly realized this was a reckless way to live.
I think too often people are afraid to share their heart. For whatever reason. We're too worried about what other people think. Ive always been scared to be myself. And in some ways, I dont really know who I am...
Am I courageous, or inspiring, or hardworking, or honest. What am I?
Some things im sure of. Im loyal. And I love deeply. But beyond that, your guess is as good as mine. Someone once asked me how I see the world, we both agreed that I saw the world through people. And in someways I think I find my identity in people. Its not like im not my own person. And its not like I mold myself to whoever im with. Im a people pleaser, and I will not always say what Im feeling. I think its easy for me to be hurt. Because I depend to much on people.
My last year.... was.... hard to explain. Here I go again. All these thoughts, and no words.
There is people in my life, who are so much like me sometimes we just have to give each other one look and we know what the other is thinking. And that was refreshing, being understood. Because sometimes I feel alien and foreign.
There is some people who know my heart completely, but are constantly leaving me. And little by little Ive had to let go of my dependency on them. Each time I say goodbye is harder, but also easier in a way. Ive learned how to let go, but our bond has grown deeper than ever. but learning to be independent from this friendship has molded me and grown me.
There is someone, who is the exact opposite of me. But we work so well together. Sometimes we confuse each other and have no idea what the other is feeling or doing or saying. But this has grown us both to be more understanding people. We can both be exactly who we are, and still care about each other.
Its true, most of me is pieces of different people who have molded me. Different pieces of different places ive been. I still dont know how to use words well, and theres a lot going up in this messed up head of mine. But Im a far step from that scared little girl, who hated her own image. I still get down and I still depend on things I wish I didnt have to. But sometimes the best thing for other people is hearing someone elses story. So they know theyre not alone. That theyre not the only ones who dont have anything figured out.
I have a lot of voices telling me what to do and what not to do, and they all get jumbled and I cant tell what I should or shouldnt do. But sometimes there is that still small voice that leads me, when Im driving home at 2am, He tells me GO. He tells me to share my story. To befriend coworkers. To trust Him with my finances. With my job and future. He tells me to trust Him with my words.
"If life is a question mark, then you, my love, are the proud and bold period, that is typed with certainty." - Tyler Knott Gregson
I admire people that can put their thoughts into beautiful words that provoke thoughts in other human beings. I envy it. Thats exactly what I want to do. But have never been able to do.
This isnt me being insecure or humble or falsely modest. I honestly feel like theres a storm in my head and it cant get out and express its self. Its why I seem shy and I why I simply listen to conversations, instead of joining in. Its not that I dont have anything to say. I just do not know how to say what I want to say. To put into words what I am feeling and what I believe.
This is why im afraid of evangelism. Why im scared of writing. Once youve been told what youve said doesnt make sense, or is silly, or stupid, its hard to be confident in your words.
This is why I envy writers, and artists, and poets, and songwriters. They can put their thoughts into words that make sense.
I saw the movie Paper Towns last night. And it was nothing extrvagant, and nothing special. And Ill admit there wasnt really a point. But I actually think there was a point. It was just hard to see. Like many movies that are underrated, they dont scream to you what theyre all about. They dont ask for attention. They simply ask you to dwell on things we're afraid to think about.
As someone who spends most of her time in her own thoughts, I appreciate someone being able to put these thoughts into an image, a moving picture, or a song.
I would never call myself a dramatic, or an emo. But in those types of people i have found people who are able to speak the words I feel. The words I think most people feel, but are afraid to admit to.
Theres a line in a twenty one pilots song, "I kind of like it when I make you cry, cause Im twisted up."
When I heard this line, I was like, "Wow! someone put this into words!" And when I tried to talk to someone about this. They didnt understand. When I tried to explain this to them, they thought I was crazy.
To me it means, when we make someone cry, It makes me feel like they actually care. I know this is a completely selfish feeling, and its not exactly a feeling we should feel often. But Ive felt it.
I feel like im crazy sometimes. Like, Am I the only one that feels these kinds of things?
One day, I realized, everyone has feelings we dont talk about. And very few people put them into words.
A friend of mine helped me realize, that sometimes we can feel the same things, but words dont need to be said between us. Its kind of like a silent prayer. An important thing to realize is that we dont always need words.
But thats hard for me. Even though Im not usually the one to talk, or say anything. I want people to say things, to talk about how they're feeling.
The only way i used to know how to make friends, was sharing my whole heart. And I quickly realized this was a reckless way to live.
I think too often people are afraid to share their heart. For whatever reason. We're too worried about what other people think. Ive always been scared to be myself. And in some ways, I dont really know who I am...
Am I courageous, or inspiring, or hardworking, or honest. What am I?
Some things im sure of. Im loyal. And I love deeply. But beyond that, your guess is as good as mine. Someone once asked me how I see the world, we both agreed that I saw the world through people. And in someways I think I find my identity in people. Its not like im not my own person. And its not like I mold myself to whoever im with. Im a people pleaser, and I will not always say what Im feeling. I think its easy for me to be hurt. Because I depend to much on people.
My last year.... was.... hard to explain. Here I go again. All these thoughts, and no words.
There is people in my life, who are so much like me sometimes we just have to give each other one look and we know what the other is thinking. And that was refreshing, being understood. Because sometimes I feel alien and foreign.
There is some people who know my heart completely, but are constantly leaving me. And little by little Ive had to let go of my dependency on them. Each time I say goodbye is harder, but also easier in a way. Ive learned how to let go, but our bond has grown deeper than ever. but learning to be independent from this friendship has molded me and grown me.
There is someone, who is the exact opposite of me. But we work so well together. Sometimes we confuse each other and have no idea what the other is feeling or doing or saying. But this has grown us both to be more understanding people. We can both be exactly who we are, and still care about each other.
Its true, most of me is pieces of different people who have molded me. Different pieces of different places ive been. I still dont know how to use words well, and theres a lot going up in this messed up head of mine. But Im a far step from that scared little girl, who hated her own image. I still get down and I still depend on things I wish I didnt have to. But sometimes the best thing for other people is hearing someone elses story. So they know theyre not alone. That theyre not the only ones who dont have anything figured out.
I have a lot of voices telling me what to do and what not to do, and they all get jumbled and I cant tell what I should or shouldnt do. But sometimes there is that still small voice that leads me, when Im driving home at 2am, He tells me GO. He tells me to share my story. To befriend coworkers. To trust Him with my finances. With my job and future. He tells me to trust Him with my words.
"If life is a question mark, then you, my love, are the proud and bold period, that is typed with certainty." - Tyler Knott Gregson
Monday, January 18, 2016
A friend at Midnight
"For where your treasure is, there your heart is also." Luke 12:34
Let me tell you about one of the most important people in my life. With her dedication to Christ and following His call, she is one of the most influential people in my life. With her encouraging words and honesty, she is one of the most inspiring people that I have ever known. She is the person I have shown my heart to the most, one of the people I trust the most, the one I share adventures with, and laughter, and tears and an unhealthy love of cats and twenty one pilots.
Some might call her my best friend, I definitely would.
We first met senior year in high school, and like most good friend stories, I never expected her to become this important to me.
Our friendship grew slowly, but once established, nothing could tear us apart. The september after graduation, she left for five months to serve in Mexico and Uganda. But distance seemed to make our friendship even stronger, We've been together through breakups and scary accidents and a lot of crying. But also a lot of happiness and laughter.
This past April, she left again for Mexico. For three months this time. We've made a lot of memories since she came back in July. Including spontaneous concerts and trips to Kansas City, where we had our second argument ever.
This Saturday, January 23, 2016, My best friend Mandi Potter, goes back to Mexico. This time for 2 years.
Ive accepted the fact that she will be gone for two years and who knows how long she'll ever be back in Minnesota. But I couldnt be happier for her and proud of the work she is doing.
She is committing her life to God and letting Him take control of that. Its hard to be mad about it.
Ill admit, Im sad, I have to let go of an era. We can never have this time in our life again. We have to move on to the rest of our lives. We'll still be friends, she'll always be my best friend. But theres a lot to say goodbye to this week.
This isnt easy for me, or for her, or for her family, or for anyone else in her life. But no one ever said it would be easy. Quite the opposite actually.
At this point you might be wondering, why am I reading something about Joannah's best friend? Besides the fact I can write about whatever I want and she just happens to mean a lot to me.
No, I actually have a point to this beyond this. I want to tell you about the work she has been doing in Mexico ever since we've been friends. Her first five months, she took part in a Discipleship training school through the organization called YWAM (Youth With A Mission). She studied and served on the Tijuana, Mexico ywam base for 3 months and spent the last 2 months serving on outreach in Uganda.
I have a feeling she's only told me a handful of stories of her time, especially over in Uganda. I feel like some things are meant to be unsaid. But what she has told me has changed parts of my life and has left me in awe of the need for God, but the incredible work He is doing through young people like Mandi. And I suspect many of her experiences have left her in this awe, and has grown a desire in her to help where help is needed. She underestimates her skill and how much God is using her. But she still pursues God with her whole heart to wherever he may send her.
Her heart and her treasure is in heaven. And she is so very willing to serve God, asking Him to send her where He will.
Last April, she volunteered on the YWAM base as a preschool teachers assistant. And she came back a woman confident in her faith, and God, and how He works. But she still lives in humility, knowing any impact that was made was all God, and Him living through her.
And this time, she is dropping her entire life, and trusting God with her future, finances, and everything in between, and moving to Mexico to staff on the YWAM base for two whole years.
And here's the hard part, my friends. Her position on the base is purely volunteering, and her work will be entirely through the YWAM base and she will not be paid.
And she needs supporters. I have been praying for a long time for someone to support her monthly for the full 24 months.
And I realize, for many people, this is unrealistic. I am young and poor and have no money, and if I didnt have adult responsibilities, I would give all my money to people like Mandi and the work they do.
But alas, this world does not allow it. But, my friends, ANYTHING HELPS. And if you can find it in your heart and in your budget to give her any kind of support, please please do this!
Mandi has not asked me to do this, she actually doesnt know im doing this. But Im doing this my friends, because I know this is something she needs. You can imagine how awkward it is to ask people to trust you with their money, when they will get nothing in return. But she is depending on People who are willing to give for this cause.
So my friends, if you feel so lead, please give to my dear friend and the work she will be doing for the next two years. Any amount at any time will help her.
You can donate by going to the ywam site and donating under her name Amanda Potter. On the Tijuana, Mexico base.
If youre interested in hearing more about her missions https://journeywithmandi.wordpress.com/2016/01/05/to-blog-or-not-to-blog/
If you feel lead to donate http://www.ywamsandiegobaja.org/donationsandpayments/
Let me tell you about one of the most important people in my life. With her dedication to Christ and following His call, she is one of the most influential people in my life. With her encouraging words and honesty, she is one of the most inspiring people that I have ever known. She is the person I have shown my heart to the most, one of the people I trust the most, the one I share adventures with, and laughter, and tears and an unhealthy love of cats and twenty one pilots.
Some might call her my best friend, I definitely would.
We first met senior year in high school, and like most good friend stories, I never expected her to become this important to me.
Our friendship grew slowly, but once established, nothing could tear us apart. The september after graduation, she left for five months to serve in Mexico and Uganda. But distance seemed to make our friendship even stronger, We've been together through breakups and scary accidents and a lot of crying. But also a lot of happiness and laughter.
This past April, she left again for Mexico. For three months this time. We've made a lot of memories since she came back in July. Including spontaneous concerts and trips to Kansas City, where we had our second argument ever.
This Saturday, January 23, 2016, My best friend Mandi Potter, goes back to Mexico. This time for 2 years.
Ive accepted the fact that she will be gone for two years and who knows how long she'll ever be back in Minnesota. But I couldnt be happier for her and proud of the work she is doing.
She is committing her life to God and letting Him take control of that. Its hard to be mad about it.
Ill admit, Im sad, I have to let go of an era. We can never have this time in our life again. We have to move on to the rest of our lives. We'll still be friends, she'll always be my best friend. But theres a lot to say goodbye to this week.
This isnt easy for me, or for her, or for her family, or for anyone else in her life. But no one ever said it would be easy. Quite the opposite actually.
At this point you might be wondering, why am I reading something about Joannah's best friend? Besides the fact I can write about whatever I want and she just happens to mean a lot to me.
No, I actually have a point to this beyond this. I want to tell you about the work she has been doing in Mexico ever since we've been friends. Her first five months, she took part in a Discipleship training school through the organization called YWAM (Youth With A Mission). She studied and served on the Tijuana, Mexico ywam base for 3 months and spent the last 2 months serving on outreach in Uganda.
I have a feeling she's only told me a handful of stories of her time, especially over in Uganda. I feel like some things are meant to be unsaid. But what she has told me has changed parts of my life and has left me in awe of the need for God, but the incredible work He is doing through young people like Mandi. And I suspect many of her experiences have left her in this awe, and has grown a desire in her to help where help is needed. She underestimates her skill and how much God is using her. But she still pursues God with her whole heart to wherever he may send her.
Her heart and her treasure is in heaven. And she is so very willing to serve God, asking Him to send her where He will.
Last April, she volunteered on the YWAM base as a preschool teachers assistant. And she came back a woman confident in her faith, and God, and how He works. But she still lives in humility, knowing any impact that was made was all God, and Him living through her.
And this time, she is dropping her entire life, and trusting God with her future, finances, and everything in between, and moving to Mexico to staff on the YWAM base for two whole years.
And here's the hard part, my friends. Her position on the base is purely volunteering, and her work will be entirely through the YWAM base and she will not be paid.
And she needs supporters. I have been praying for a long time for someone to support her monthly for the full 24 months.
And I realize, for many people, this is unrealistic. I am young and poor and have no money, and if I didnt have adult responsibilities, I would give all my money to people like Mandi and the work they do.
But alas, this world does not allow it. But, my friends, ANYTHING HELPS. And if you can find it in your heart and in your budget to give her any kind of support, please please do this!
Mandi has not asked me to do this, she actually doesnt know im doing this. But Im doing this my friends, because I know this is something she needs. You can imagine how awkward it is to ask people to trust you with their money, when they will get nothing in return. But she is depending on People who are willing to give for this cause.
So my friends, if you feel so lead, please give to my dear friend and the work she will be doing for the next two years. Any amount at any time will help her.
You can donate by going to the ywam site and donating under her name Amanda Potter. On the Tijuana, Mexico base.
If youre interested in hearing more about her missions https://journeywithmandi.wordpress.com/2016/01/05/to-blog-or-not-to-blog/
If you feel lead to donate http://www.ywamsandiegobaja.org/donationsandpayments/
Monday, December 28, 2015
Feet, don't fail me now
"If we were meant to stay in one place, we would have roots, not feet."
"Your feet will take you where your heart is." - Irish proverb
This morning I woke up in Kansas City, to the first snow in Kansas City. And I ate pancakes and drank coffee and listened to beautiful stories told by one of my favorite people. And I cannot tell you how content this has made me today.
I'm glad to be here. It seems whenever I want to be adventorous and somewhat spontaneous, a million things get in my way.yesterday morning I got in my car to drive and it wouldn't start and I almost gave up. But I made it here, even with all of my obstacles.
But because of obstacles, I feel discouraged from leaving my little town and my little job. This thing called fear stops me. This thing called anxiety stops me. I feel destined to stay in the same place my whole life.
But I know this can't be true! I'm twenty years old and have my entire life open and in front of me. I can literally do almost anything. Sometimes I fell overwhelmed with possibilities. But most of the time I feel overwhelmed with feelings of security and wanting to stay stationary, because nothing seems to go right.
Today Sarah Nicole told me her love for hands and why she loved them. We talked about just wanting to go, but how life gets in the way. And strangely enough, it made me think of feet.
Anyone who follows my Instagram knows how many pictures I take of my feet. It makes me think of all the places our feet can take us. We can choose to walk the same steps everyday. Or explore new walks of life. My logical side is telling me to stay, but I hear the voice of God telling my feet to go. To explore new paths for my feet to walk. To love different kinds of people. To use my life to its fullest potential. I will never regret adventures, even small one of getting lost looking for CHRISTMAS lights.
This world is big and there's a big need for love. God asks us to be open to go where He may lead us. He asks us to be pleasers of God rather than pleasers of men. To serve God and not money. But we as silly humans feel the need to make plans. I don't know where I'll be in five years and this is exciting I me! My life has so much potential. I want to be able to follow the call of God no matter where He leads my feet.
"Show me the way I should walk." Psalm143:8
"Your feet will take you where your heart is." - Irish proverb
This morning I woke up in Kansas City, to the first snow in Kansas City. And I ate pancakes and drank coffee and listened to beautiful stories told by one of my favorite people. And I cannot tell you how content this has made me today.
I'm glad to be here. It seems whenever I want to be adventorous and somewhat spontaneous, a million things get in my way.yesterday morning I got in my car to drive and it wouldn't start and I almost gave up. But I made it here, even with all of my obstacles.
But because of obstacles, I feel discouraged from leaving my little town and my little job. This thing called fear stops me. This thing called anxiety stops me. I feel destined to stay in the same place my whole life.
But I know this can't be true! I'm twenty years old and have my entire life open and in front of me. I can literally do almost anything. Sometimes I fell overwhelmed with possibilities. But most of the time I feel overwhelmed with feelings of security and wanting to stay stationary, because nothing seems to go right.
Today Sarah Nicole told me her love for hands and why she loved them. We talked about just wanting to go, but how life gets in the way. And strangely enough, it made me think of feet.
Anyone who follows my Instagram knows how many pictures I take of my feet. It makes me think of all the places our feet can take us. We can choose to walk the same steps everyday. Or explore new walks of life. My logical side is telling me to stay, but I hear the voice of God telling my feet to go. To explore new paths for my feet to walk. To love different kinds of people. To use my life to its fullest potential. I will never regret adventures, even small one of getting lost looking for CHRISTMAS lights.
This world is big and there's a big need for love. God asks us to be open to go where He may lead us. He asks us to be pleasers of God rather than pleasers of men. To serve God and not money. But we as silly humans feel the need to make plans. I don't know where I'll be in five years and this is exciting I me! My life has so much potential. I want to be able to follow the call of God no matter where He leads my feet.
"Show me the way I should walk." Psalm143:8
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Coffee fueled rants about love
"Love is the outpouring of one personality in fellowship with another personality."
I've been thinking about love lately. What a complicated, yet simple feeling, verb, and word. It's complex. But also incredibly common. Everyone feels it in some sense. It's so easy to show love to someone we care about. Yet we all show and receive love differently. Love is hard and scary. But we all desire it. It's what we all strive for above all else in life. Love is being vulnerable and opening up. There's a common thought nowadays that we have to love ourselves before we can love anyone else. But that's incredibly untrue. True love is unselfish. When we try to "love" ourself, we focus on ourselves, and in a sense hate ourselves. But our unhappiness comes a lot from focusing on ourselves and where we fall short. But we need to realize who loves us despite our shortcomings. Once we realize that God sees perfection in us through Christ we don't need to focus on ourselves. Loving and focusing on others brings more joy and fulfillment than "loving ourselves" ever does.
If we were in the middle of suffering and poverty, who would we be thinking about. Not ourselves, but the ones in need. This idea of loving ourselves before loving anyone else is silly considering that Christ tells us to love our enemies.
You know how hard it is to love someone who has done wrong to you? Who is consistently horrible to you?
It's impossible.
I had a humbling week last week. I had a wake up call. I had to apologize to someone who hates me and constantly disrespects me. I still struggle with loving them. But I need to remind myself that I am loved even though I constantly disrespect God. He had made more sacrifice for me, than I can ever do for Him or anyone else. It is easy to love someone who loves us back. What sets us apart is loving someone who hates us and spits in our eye. That is the true test of a saint.
I still struggle with love. With vulnerability, with humble, unapologetic love. With holding my tongue and loving my enemies, with sacrificial and unselfish love.
I work in an environment where the managers show no one appreciation and love. We have so many high school kids who are very impressionable. And one of my main focuses is making them feel appreciated and respected. I want this generation to be filled with love for others. There is depressed and suicidal kids because our generation lacks love. I want there to be a movement of unselfish love. For all these kids who struggle to feel appreciated to strive for something bigger than themselves instead of giving into the weight of doubt and hate and frustration. And giving love back in return.
And this is my prayer for this generation. Learning to love unselfishly in a selfish, confused, world.
I've been thinking about love lately. What a complicated, yet simple feeling, verb, and word. It's complex. But also incredibly common. Everyone feels it in some sense. It's so easy to show love to someone we care about. Yet we all show and receive love differently. Love is hard and scary. But we all desire it. It's what we all strive for above all else in life. Love is being vulnerable and opening up. There's a common thought nowadays that we have to love ourselves before we can love anyone else. But that's incredibly untrue. True love is unselfish. When we try to "love" ourself, we focus on ourselves, and in a sense hate ourselves. But our unhappiness comes a lot from focusing on ourselves and where we fall short. But we need to realize who loves us despite our shortcomings. Once we realize that God sees perfection in us through Christ we don't need to focus on ourselves. Loving and focusing on others brings more joy and fulfillment than "loving ourselves" ever does.
If we were in the middle of suffering and poverty, who would we be thinking about. Not ourselves, but the ones in need. This idea of loving ourselves before loving anyone else is silly considering that Christ tells us to love our enemies.
You know how hard it is to love someone who has done wrong to you? Who is consistently horrible to you?
It's impossible.
I had a humbling week last week. I had a wake up call. I had to apologize to someone who hates me and constantly disrespects me. I still struggle with loving them. But I need to remind myself that I am loved even though I constantly disrespect God. He had made more sacrifice for me, than I can ever do for Him or anyone else. It is easy to love someone who loves us back. What sets us apart is loving someone who hates us and spits in our eye. That is the true test of a saint.
I still struggle with love. With vulnerability, with humble, unapologetic love. With holding my tongue and loving my enemies, with sacrificial and unselfish love.
I work in an environment where the managers show no one appreciation and love. We have so many high school kids who are very impressionable. And one of my main focuses is making them feel appreciated and respected. I want this generation to be filled with love for others. There is depressed and suicidal kids because our generation lacks love. I want there to be a movement of unselfish love. For all these kids who struggle to feel appreciated to strive for something bigger than themselves instead of giving into the weight of doubt and hate and frustration. And giving love back in return.
And this is my prayer for this generation. Learning to love unselfishly in a selfish, confused, world.
Friday, August 14, 2015
Thirteen
Do you have that one place, whether you've been there once or a hundred times, that brings you back to a place you once were.
For me, that place is Covenant Pines Bible camp. My family has been going up for family camp ever since I was thirteen years old. Every time we've come I've been in a totally different place in my life. And I don't think I've been more appreciative of reflection and change than I have been this year.
I can't help but think of that thirteen year old girl. I was more depressed than any thirteen year old girl should be. I was insecure and unsure. I couldn't do things by myself, I needed to have someone by my side at all times. And if I didn't, I felt left out. I never spoke. I had zero self- confidence. And I was angry.
One thing I remember more than anything else. How I felt like a hippopotamus and incredibally guilty every time we ate a meal. Only because it was the first time in over 6 months I had actually been eating regular meals. Instead of a piece of fruit here and a small scoop of casserole there. That month I was skinnier than I'd ever been. I was the same height as I am now, but weighed significantly less. I remember how I would go out running on the trails to absolute exhaustion,before everyone woke up, to keep my unhealthy weight. At the bonfire, I jokingly asked someone to make me a snores and to my horror, they started to. When I told him I was joking he got angry and threw it in the ground. But I didn't want to risk eating another s'mores.
I look back and I'm terrified at the pictures of that first year at camp. I was Wasting away, not only in body. But in spirit and soul as well. As any person that has ever had an eating disorder will tell you, you may be healed physically, but it takes so much longer to "fix" yourself mentally. Years, in fact.
The next summer I wasn't any happier. And I was dealing with a different sort of eating disorder. And for years, no matter what I was doing, it was all I could think of.
I'm back at Covenant Pines this weekend, and today I went paddle boarding across the lake, by myself. I enjoyed the peace and the alone time. Every time I eat a meal here, or do something I love alone, it reminds me how much I've healed.
I'm 20 plus pounds heavier than that 13 year old girl and proud of it. I am so happy with my life. I am secure and confident in myself. I am a more positive and happy person.
I can do things by myself and I enjoy it. Being alone doesn't mean you're lonely. I still have my bad days, everyone does. But I am so much further on that road to healing than I was even last year. I focus on what's important and what I love and what's beautiful and what's right and what's healthy.
I don't think I can explain to you how thankful I am for this incredible sense of peace within myself. God found me, even in this run down camp that I love. And I could not be more joyful. I believe I've seen a miracle within myself.
Friday, July 17, 2015
Moments and people
I hold onto moments closely. Onto people even closer. Growing up I spent a lot of time alone. Probably too much time alone. I believe it's true that who you are alone is who you truly are. But someone once pointed out to me that people who spend too much time alone are depressed. When I was younger, I believe I spent too much time alone. It gets to a point where your vision of reality is skewed. And everything you hate about yourself eats you up. You can't find self worth from other people. But we weren't meant to be alone.
Spending so much time alone made me appreciate the time I spend with the ones I love even more than I probably would have. The older I get the more introverted I get, but I still need the ones I hold closer than others.
It was hard for me to let my skewed mentality go. My reality check didn't come quite soon enough. I had friends back stab me and I was hurt over and over. I was too trusting. I held the wrong people too close. It's hard to remember the good times, when its followed by a lot of hurt. When I finally discover who my real friends and family are, that is when they seem to leave.
I've built a wall, I'm scared to break down. And only a special few have witnessed these walls crumble. I don't like getting attached. I don't like heartbreak.
I don't like that people move away and move on. That we all grow up and build our own lives. I know my 20's will be some of my most fulfilling years but also some of the hardest. Growing up to me, means letting go. And I've never been fond of change. I've learned to hold onto this world loosely, because my home is not here. But I've not yet learned how to love and let go. When I care about someone I want to hold them to me. But I also want them to live out their lives to their fullest potential. Love is hard. And confusing. And I haven't figured it out.
Sometimes I just want to freeze time. So these moments and people can't escape. But I know life has to go on and we all have to let go of something or someone. And somehow learn to live a joyful life, even with a little pain. New companionship and new moments will come, but I'll always have my favorites that nothing can replace.
Spending so much time alone made me appreciate the time I spend with the ones I love even more than I probably would have. The older I get the more introverted I get, but I still need the ones I hold closer than others.
It was hard for me to let my skewed mentality go. My reality check didn't come quite soon enough. I had friends back stab me and I was hurt over and over. I was too trusting. I held the wrong people too close. It's hard to remember the good times, when its followed by a lot of hurt. When I finally discover who my real friends and family are, that is when they seem to leave.
I've built a wall, I'm scared to break down. And only a special few have witnessed these walls crumble. I don't like getting attached. I don't like heartbreak.
I don't like that people move away and move on. That we all grow up and build our own lives. I know my 20's will be some of my most fulfilling years but also some of the hardest. Growing up to me, means letting go. And I've never been fond of change. I've learned to hold onto this world loosely, because my home is not here. But I've not yet learned how to love and let go. When I care about someone I want to hold them to me. But I also want them to live out their lives to their fullest potential. Love is hard. And confusing. And I haven't figured it out.
Sometimes I just want to freeze time. So these moments and people can't escape. But I know life has to go on and we all have to let go of something or someone. And somehow learn to live a joyful life, even with a little pain. New companionship and new moments will come, but I'll always have my favorites that nothing can replace.
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