Words

"For us there is only one wish. To be adventorous pioneers and find ourselves at the end."

I admire people that can put their thoughts into beautiful words that provoke thoughts in other human beings. I envy it. Thats exactly what I want to do. But have never been able to do.
This isnt me being insecure or humble or falsely modest. I honestly feel like theres a storm in my head and it cant get out and express its self. Its why I seem shy and I why I simply listen to conversations, instead of joining in. Its not that I dont have anything to say. I just do not know how to say what I want to say. To put into words what I am feeling and what I believe.
This is why im afraid of evangelism. Why im scared of writing. Once youve been told what youve said doesnt make sense, or is silly, or stupid, its hard to be confident in your words.
This is why I envy writers, and artists, and poets, and songwriters. They can put their thoughts into words that make sense.
I saw the movie Paper Towns last night. And it was nothing extrvagant, and nothing special. And Ill admit there wasnt really a point. But I actually think there was a point. It was just hard to see. Like many movies that are underrated, they dont scream to you what theyre all about. They dont ask for attention. They simply ask you to dwell on things we're afraid to think about.
As someone who spends most of her time in her own thoughts, I appreciate someone being able to put these thoughts into an image, a moving picture, or a song.
I would never call myself a dramatic, or an emo. But in those types of people i have found people who are able to speak the words I feel. The words I think most people feel, but are afraid to admit to.
Theres a line in a twenty one pilots song, "I kind of like it when I make you cry, cause Im twisted up."
When I heard this line, I was like, "Wow! someone put this into words!" And when I tried to talk to someone about this. They didnt understand. When I tried to explain this to them, they thought I was crazy.
To me it means, when we make someone cry, It makes me feel like they actually care. I know this is a completely selfish feeling, and its not exactly a feeling we should feel often. But Ive felt it.
I feel like im crazy sometimes. Like, Am I the only one that feels these kinds of things?
One day, I realized, everyone has feelings we dont talk about. And very few people put them into words.
A friend of mine helped me realize, that sometimes we can feel the same things, but words dont need to be said between us. Its kind of like a silent prayer. An important thing to realize is that we dont always need words.
But thats hard for me. Even though Im not usually the one to talk, or say anything. I want people to say things, to talk about how they're feeling.
The only way i used to know how to make friends, was sharing my whole heart. And I quickly realized this was a reckless way to live.
I think too often people are afraid to share their heart. For whatever reason. We're too worried about what other people think. Ive always been scared to be myself. And in some ways, I dont really know who I am...
Am I courageous, or inspiring, or hardworking, or honest. What am I?
Some things im sure of. Im loyal. And I love deeply. But beyond that, your guess is as good as mine. Someone once asked me how I see the world, we both agreed that I saw the world through people. And in someways I think I find my identity in people. Its not like im not my own person. And its not like I mold myself to whoever im with. Im a people pleaser, and I will not always say what Im feeling. I think its easy for me to be hurt. Because I depend to much on people.
My last year.... was.... hard to explain. Here I go again. All these thoughts, and no words.
There is people in my life, who are so much like me sometimes we just have to give each other one look and we know what the other is thinking. And that was refreshing, being understood. Because sometimes I feel alien and foreign.
There is some people who know my heart completely, but are constantly leaving me. And little by little Ive had to let go of my dependency on them. Each time I say goodbye is harder, but also easier in a way. Ive learned how to let go, but our bond has grown deeper than ever. but learning to be independent from this friendship has molded me and grown me.
There is someone, who is the exact opposite of me. But we work so well together. Sometimes we confuse each other and have no idea what the other is feeling or doing or saying. But this has grown us both to be more understanding people. We can both be exactly who we are, and still care about each other.
Its true, most of me is pieces of different people who have molded me. Different pieces of different places ive been. I still dont know how to use words well, and theres a lot going up in this messed up head of mine. But Im a far step from that scared little girl, who hated her own image. I still get down and I still depend on things I wish I didnt have to. But sometimes the best thing for other people is hearing someone elses story. So they know theyre not alone. That theyre not the only ones who dont have anything figured out.
I have a lot of voices telling me what to do and what not to do, and they all get jumbled and I cant tell what I should or shouldnt do. But sometimes there is that still small voice that leads me, when Im driving home at 2am, He tells me GO. He tells me to share my story. To befriend coworkers. To trust Him with my finances. With my job and future. He tells me to trust Him with my words.


"If life is a question mark, then you, my love, are the proud and bold period, that is typed with certainty."         - Tyler Knott Gregson