The gift of life

                "are you done forgiving? Or can you look past my pretending
                   I'm so tired of defending what I've become
                  What have I become?"
                                    -- tenth avenue north


God, what have I become? A bum, a complainer, a pretender. I claim to be living this life in an extraordinary way. But I'm really just living in an ordinary way.
I use my time, just to pass the time. I just sit and I soak, I'm wasting precious time and assets.
The creative flow has stopped. Whenever I do spend my thoughts on you, it's to figure out what I can and cannot do.
I want to be radical. I want to be crazy in love. But how I'm living just doesn't prove it. I'm tired of defending myself for silly things that shouldn't even exist in my life.
I'm tired of wasting myself, if I truly believe what I say I believe....wouldn't I use every minute for You? Wouldn't I tell every person I came across the truth? Wouldn't I use my time to glorify Your name instead of my own? Wouldn't I use my entire life to further Your kingdom?
When did this life become just about living? When did crazy love and sacrifice for You go out of style? Will I come to the end of my life and hear You say
"Well done my child"
Or
"Depart from Me, I never knew you"
?
Everything that is not of You....makes for my undoing....

" life without war is impossible either in nature or grace.... If I want to maintain a vigorous mental life, I have to fight and in that way the mental balance called thought is produced.......
I am called to live in perfect relation to God so that my life produces a longing after God in other lives, not admiration for myself"