Words

"For us there is only one wish. To be adventorous pioneers and find ourselves at the end."

I admire people that can put their thoughts into beautiful words that provoke thoughts in other human beings. I envy it. Thats exactly what I want to do. But have never been able to do.
This isnt me being insecure or humble or falsely modest. I honestly feel like theres a storm in my head and it cant get out and express its self. Its why I seem shy and I why I simply listen to conversations, instead of joining in. Its not that I dont have anything to say. I just do not know how to say what I want to say. To put into words what I am feeling and what I believe.
This is why im afraid of evangelism. Why im scared of writing. Once youve been told what youve said doesnt make sense, or is silly, or stupid, its hard to be confident in your words.
This is why I envy writers, and artists, and poets, and songwriters. They can put their thoughts into words that make sense.
I saw the movie Paper Towns last night. And it was nothing extrvagant, and nothing special. And Ill admit there wasnt really a point. But I actually think there was a point. It was just hard to see. Like many movies that are underrated, they dont scream to you what theyre all about. They dont ask for attention. They simply ask you to dwell on things we're afraid to think about.
As someone who spends most of her time in her own thoughts, I appreciate someone being able to put these thoughts into an image, a moving picture, or a song.
I would never call myself a dramatic, or an emo. But in those types of people i have found people who are able to speak the words I feel. The words I think most people feel, but are afraid to admit to.
Theres a line in a twenty one pilots song, "I kind of like it when I make you cry, cause Im twisted up."
When I heard this line, I was like, "Wow! someone put this into words!" And when I tried to talk to someone about this. They didnt understand. When I tried to explain this to them, they thought I was crazy.
To me it means, when we make someone cry, It makes me feel like they actually care. I know this is a completely selfish feeling, and its not exactly a feeling we should feel often. But Ive felt it.
I feel like im crazy sometimes. Like, Am I the only one that feels these kinds of things?
One day, I realized, everyone has feelings we dont talk about. And very few people put them into words.
A friend of mine helped me realize, that sometimes we can feel the same things, but words dont need to be said between us. Its kind of like a silent prayer. An important thing to realize is that we dont always need words.
But thats hard for me. Even though Im not usually the one to talk, or say anything. I want people to say things, to talk about how they're feeling.
The only way i used to know how to make friends, was sharing my whole heart. And I quickly realized this was a reckless way to live.
I think too often people are afraid to share their heart. For whatever reason. We're too worried about what other people think. Ive always been scared to be myself. And in some ways, I dont really know who I am...
Am I courageous, or inspiring, or hardworking, or honest. What am I?
Some things im sure of. Im loyal. And I love deeply. But beyond that, your guess is as good as mine. Someone once asked me how I see the world, we both agreed that I saw the world through people. And in someways I think I find my identity in people. Its not like im not my own person. And its not like I mold myself to whoever im with. Im a people pleaser, and I will not always say what Im feeling. I think its easy for me to be hurt. Because I depend to much on people.
My last year.... was.... hard to explain. Here I go again. All these thoughts, and no words.
There is people in my life, who are so much like me sometimes we just have to give each other one look and we know what the other is thinking. And that was refreshing, being understood. Because sometimes I feel alien and foreign.
There is some people who know my heart completely, but are constantly leaving me. And little by little Ive had to let go of my dependency on them. Each time I say goodbye is harder, but also easier in a way. Ive learned how to let go, but our bond has grown deeper than ever. but learning to be independent from this friendship has molded me and grown me.
There is someone, who is the exact opposite of me. But we work so well together. Sometimes we confuse each other and have no idea what the other is feeling or doing or saying. But this has grown us both to be more understanding people. We can both be exactly who we are, and still care about each other.
Its true, most of me is pieces of different people who have molded me. Different pieces of different places ive been. I still dont know how to use words well, and theres a lot going up in this messed up head of mine. But Im a far step from that scared little girl, who hated her own image. I still get down and I still depend on things I wish I didnt have to. But sometimes the best thing for other people is hearing someone elses story. So they know theyre not alone. That theyre not the only ones who dont have anything figured out.
I have a lot of voices telling me what to do and what not to do, and they all get jumbled and I cant tell what I should or shouldnt do. But sometimes there is that still small voice that leads me, when Im driving home at 2am, He tells me GO. He tells me to share my story. To befriend coworkers. To trust Him with my finances. With my job and future. He tells me to trust Him with my words.


"If life is a question mark, then you, my love, are the proud and bold period, that is typed with certainty."         - Tyler Knott Gregson

A friend at Midnight

"For where your treasure is, there your heart is also." Luke 12:34

Let me tell you about one of the most important people in my life. With her dedication to Christ and following His call, she is one of the most influential people in my life. With her encouraging words and honesty, she is one of the most inspiring people that I have ever known. She is the person I have shown my heart to the most, one of the people I trust the most, the one I share adventures with, and laughter, and tears and an unhealthy love of cats and twenty one pilots.
Some might call her my best friend, I definitely would.
We first met senior year in high school, and like most good friend stories, I never expected her to become this important to me.
Our friendship grew slowly, but once established, nothing could tear us apart. The september after graduation, she left for five months to serve in Mexico and Uganda. But distance seemed to make our friendship even stronger, We've been together through breakups and scary accidents and a lot of crying. But also a lot of happiness and laughter.
This past April, she left again for Mexico. For three months this time. We've made a lot of memories since she came back in July. Including spontaneous concerts and trips to Kansas City, where we had our second argument ever.
This Saturday, January 23, 2016, My best friend Mandi Potter, goes back to Mexico. This time for 2 years.
Ive accepted the fact that she will be gone for two years and who knows how long she'll ever be back in Minnesota. But I couldnt be happier for her and proud of the work she is doing.
She is committing her life to God and letting Him take control of that. Its hard to be mad about it.
Ill admit, Im sad, I have to let go of an era. We can never have this time in our life again. We have to move on to the rest of our lives. We'll still be friends, she'll always be my best friend. But theres a lot to say goodbye to this week.
This isnt easy for me, or for her, or for her family, or for anyone else in her life. But no one ever said it would be easy. Quite the opposite actually.

At this point you might be wondering, why am I reading something about Joannah's best friend? Besides the fact I can write about whatever I want and she just happens to mean a lot to me.

No, I actually have a point to this beyond this. I want to tell you about the work she has been doing in Mexico ever since we've been friends. Her first five months, she took part in a Discipleship training school through the organization called YWAM (Youth With A Mission). She studied and served on the Tijuana, Mexico ywam base for 3 months and spent the last 2 months serving on outreach in Uganda.
I have a feeling she's only told me a handful of stories of her time, especially over in Uganda. I feel like some things are meant to be unsaid. But what she has told me has changed parts of my life and has left me in awe of the need for God, but the incredible work He is doing through young people like Mandi. And I suspect many of her experiences have left her in this awe, and has grown a desire in her to help where help is needed. She underestimates her skill and how much God is using her. But she still pursues God with her whole heart to wherever he may send her.
Her heart and her treasure is in heaven. And she is so very willing to serve God, asking Him to send her where He will.
Last April, she volunteered on the YWAM base as a preschool teachers assistant. And she came back a woman confident in her faith, and God, and how He works. But she still lives in humility, knowing any impact that was made was all God, and Him living through her.
And this time, she is dropping her entire life, and trusting God with her future, finances, and everything in between, and moving to Mexico to staff on the YWAM base for two whole years.


And here's the hard part, my friends. Her position on the base is purely volunteering, and her work will be entirely through the YWAM base and she will not be paid.
And she needs supporters. I have been praying for a long time for someone to support her monthly for the full 24 months.
And I realize, for many people, this is unrealistic. I am young and poor and have no money, and if I didnt have adult responsibilities, I would give all my money to people like Mandi and the work they do.
But alas, this world does not allow it. But, my friends, ANYTHING HELPS. And if you can find it in your heart and in your budget to give her any kind of support, please please do this!
Mandi has not asked me to do this, she actually doesnt know im doing this. But Im doing this my friends, because I know this is something she needs. You can imagine how awkward it is to ask people to trust you with their money, when they will get nothing in return. But she is depending on People who are willing to give for this cause.
So my friends, if you feel so lead, please give to my dear friend and the work she will be doing for the next two years. Any amount at any time will help her.
You can donate by going to the ywam site and donating under her name Amanda Potter. On the Tijuana, Mexico base.

If youre interested in hearing more about her missions https://journeywithmandi.wordpress.com/2016/01/05/to-blog-or-not-to-blog/


If you feel lead to donate http://www.ywamsandiegobaja.org/donationsandpayments/